Saying “No” as a Practice
In the past, I have a really hard time saying no. I would say I am a recovering people-pleaser and over the years I have worked hard to transform these traits in a non-judgmental and kind way. In the past, saying no has been something that has caused me great amounts of stress, guilt, and anxiety.
The cycle would look something like this:
Person A: Asks me to do something
Me in my head: I don’t want to do this.
My body: Contracted and tense
Me out loud: Sure, that sounds great!
I would then grudgingly do what was asked, feel stressed, complain to others about it, feel resentful, and waste a whole lot of time and energy trying not to disappoint others while not having my own back.
Now when I am asked to do something that I am unsure about or don’t want to do, I may let the person know I need time to consider it. This removes the stress of answering on the spot, giving my nervous system space to take my thinking brain online and shift out of the possible stress-based response of my survival brain.
I feel into my body and mind for interoceptive information. How does this feel in my body? Am I experiencing a sense of safety and connection? Do I feel tight, tense, or contracted? Am I experiencing symptoms of stress when I consider following through on this request?
Sometimes the answer is an absolute yes. I feel open, spacious, and excited. Sometimes the answer is a hard no. I feel it in my body and mind immediately. And there are also occasions when I need some space to determine my answer.
Why is it so hard to say no? Many of us have fear of disappointing others, fear of being devalued, fear of failure, or have guilt and shame about saying no.
The practice of saying no is modeled for us when we are growing up by our caregivers and we are also deeply affected by their reactions towards us when we do. Cultural conditioning also influences saying no concerning work and family. Expectations vary depending on our gender.
Here are some tips if you have a hard time saying no.
When a request is made of you, take a moment to ground yourself. Take a few slow deep breaths and feel your feet on the earth.
Notice sensations in your body. Do you feel tight or contracted, is your heart rate elevated? Or do you feel open and relaxed? What emotions are you experiencing?
Have a few phrases prepared for on the spot requests to let them know if you need to think about it.
Once you have determined if your answer is no, decide how you would like to communicate your answer and take time to ground and nourish your energy beforehand.
Think about what you want to say. Be honest. You can even say “This is hard for me, but after thinking about it, I need to say no.” Offer up whatever information feels appropriate for you to share about why. Only share what feels safe and comfortable for you.
Have an accountability partner like a therapist or friend who you can ask for support when you are challenged with saying no.
Saying no is a practice in having healthy boundaries. Saying no takes a lot of courage, self-inquiry, and practice. Remember, it can be uncomfortable to start new things. Be kind to yourself as you begin to say no to the things you know are not for you.